Are you living in a relationship that is based on a 'love/hate' theme?
In the beginning of my marriage, My husband and I were so crazy in love that each and every thing he did was just so cute! Leaving his clothes on the floor was just a 'silly' thing he did... leaving dishes on the counter and not putting them in the sink was just so funny! Sleeping during a TV show we were watching together just meant he was so tired out. Nothing to argue about.
Soon, I noticed that he was leaving his clothes on the floor and expecting me to pick them up and toss them in the hamper that was 1 foot away, then the dishes sitting on the counter meant he was just plain lazy, and to fall asleep while watching a show with me?? terrible.
My sweet demeanor turned into a wild animal! Each time these once cute habits occurred, I found myself turning into a raging lunatic.
As time went on, My husband and I found ourselves spending more time bickering back and forth then speaking. As more time went on, we found ourselves yelling far more then talking.
My emotional state become enraged. I found that I was looking for things to be angry over, I found that I spent my day angry and bitter. He wasn't pulling his household weight and I felt I was doing it all.... 'normal feelings' I was told over and over by so many people.
Our once happy marriage turned into a 'whos who' in the power circle. He was sure he was the one who would control all the situations and I was sure I was the controller. instead we were both clawing in the dirt and the hole was going nowhere.
Our anger out ruled our love. It once felt so good to love my husband, now it was a far better feeling to be mad and to borderline hate him.
Our yelling matches became so out of control that hurting one another was just the name of the game, who could say the meaner thing? Who could destroy the other first.
It was almost a great feeling to blow up day in and day out, go days without speaking and then decide we didn't want to fight, make up, then start again. It just felt like it was never going to end and maybe this was 'us' for the rest of our lives.
After many separations, we kept being drawn back together to 'try' to make it work. then the relationship felt new again and fun. for a short time.
It was as though we lived for each other, lived to egg one another on. It was so hurtful yet pleasurable at the same time.
Last year we separated for what was the final time. We had both had enough, Hate was just to hard.
I moved into a new home and planned my new life with my son. It was hard and fun at the same time.
Most of the separation was pretty unemotional for me. I didn't care to see my husband again and on the times I did, I hated it. He was not the man I married but he WAS the man I was divorcing.
I found a lawyer and began the process of ending this joke of a marriage. We have been married 15 years and I can honestly say 1 year combined, was all I was happy.
The divorce was to take 6 months to 1 year. I was fine with the time line, as long as I was not in the home with him, I could handle the timeline.
About 1 month before the papers were to arrive to me, I found myself second guessing my decision. I fought with my self over and over, was I as just afraid or if I was really thinking I was to stay married? I am a strong believer in Jesus and his word, yet I felt I was able to proceed with the divorce that God gave me complete freedom to go forward with.
When these feelings of doubt started to settle into me, I thought it had to be Satan, as he doesn't want me happy and I was very happy alone. I started to pray harder then normal, asking God if it was him or Satan speaking to me. I asked God to make things very clear to me if it was indeed him.
I went to a bible study one morning and the leader had made comments to the group how close she was to divorce and God healed the marriage...hummm. Then a fellow christian asked me how it was going and that God had told her to tell me to' hold on to what ever it was that I was fighting'. Now know this..with each word I was hearing I was going to God..asking "Are you talking to me? If you are make something else be said".
Sunday morning in Church my pastor did a sermon on relationships and commitment. I cried, then I went to the car and said "O.k. God, if your talking to me, do it again"
I got a email from a friend telling me to think twice. So, I went to God and said 'Ok I need to know if this is really you, because, I don't want my husband, and if he is who you want me with- give me another sign". I asked God if you 'DO NOT' want me to divorce, then give me the sign that I need. send me the divorce papers on a day that I am questioning my plan to divorce him on a day that I know you are sending me messages to stay married.
I went to bible study on Wend. morning and the feeling of peace was completely over me. I wanted to call my husband just to say 'hi'and that I was thinking I was making a mistake. I went home to call him and there in my mail box were the papers.
I went in the house and read them and I heard a voice as clear as my own speaking out loud and it said 'SIGN IT, DATE IT, AND FRAME IT'. Not understanding what I was hearing, I signed them and dated them. I then put them away, just to be sure I was hearing God!!
Soon he and I began counseling and agreed to follow Gods word on marriage, We went to a weekend to remember and I got to know my husband again.
I now stand in a place of peace and joy. My husband is the man I fell in love with 15 years ago. God took what I thought was garbage and made it into a flower. I never felt I could love this man, not at any level. Now I know I can and will love him for always. God is the first person in our relationship and nothing can come between us. It was never about how can I make him the man I want. it was to be about how can God make me the woman he wants. I am sad that we lost so many years, so much anger, so much hate.
yet I rejoice that he allowed me to seek him first and allow him to take us to the place he wanted us to be.
I can say with my whole heart that I LOVE MY HUSBAND and no matter what had gone wrong over the years my heart is full of forgiveness and love for this wonderful man.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Did the world end..and I missed it?
I was so excited to watch the peoples response at 6:01 last Saturday, I just couldn't wait for the news to show the faces of the people who insisted the world was ending. I heard many people spent the money from their savings accounts and kids college funds, splurging the money away, believing that there was no tomorrow.
Now, as bible believing Christians, we knew this was not a possible theory, As told in Matthew 24:36.
Jesus has told us of the false leaders that will be on earth to 'trick' us. We are to keep our eyes on God and never to allow another to lead us astray from the word.
Satan is alive and well in the world. He is the king of liars and the master of death. He will make a blue sky look green, He can make us all doubt each and every step we make.
There is the anti Christ and Satan. Satan being the evil force that he is and the Anti Christ, who are people who lead you from the truth.
I am wondering how this leader has justified his words, now that his many followers have seen the world is still going on, Is he telling him it was a test from God? Is he telling them that he was testing his followers to see who would be faithful to his church? What does one do when you lead a lie that effects so many?
I imagine many of his followers are deeply disappointed that they didn't go to see the Lord, that their judgement day did not come to pass, That they are still here among us all.
Last night, My family and I were awoken to police cars and an ambulance at my neighbors home. As any neighbor we curiously watched what was going on, soon the chaplain from our county came. And if you ever have been on the scene when someone passes, the county Chaplin arrives. We all knew that meant the man passed away. He was in his 30's, and now he is gone. His judgement day has come. Having no preparation, no way of knowing that last evenings dinner would be his last. He may have been one of the many who planned on Saturday not Sunday.
Was he ready? Did he know of his final destination?
You and I have the option right now, this moment, to seek the Lord. To open ourselves to his word and his eternal gift. God is waiting for you, he is reaching his hand to you, take it, grab it and pull yourself into his loving arms. Know when your end comes, your ready.
Now, as bible believing Christians, we knew this was not a possible theory, As told in Matthew 24:36.
Jesus has told us of the false leaders that will be on earth to 'trick' us. We are to keep our eyes on God and never to allow another to lead us astray from the word.
Satan is alive and well in the world. He is the king of liars and the master of death. He will make a blue sky look green, He can make us all doubt each and every step we make.
There is the anti Christ and Satan. Satan being the evil force that he is and the Anti Christ, who are people who lead you from the truth.
I am wondering how this leader has justified his words, now that his many followers have seen the world is still going on, Is he telling him it was a test from God? Is he telling them that he was testing his followers to see who would be faithful to his church? What does one do when you lead a lie that effects so many?
I imagine many of his followers are deeply disappointed that they didn't go to see the Lord, that their judgement day did not come to pass, That they are still here among us all.
Last night, My family and I were awoken to police cars and an ambulance at my neighbors home. As any neighbor we curiously watched what was going on, soon the chaplain from our county came. And if you ever have been on the scene when someone passes, the county Chaplin arrives. We all knew that meant the man passed away. He was in his 30's, and now he is gone. His judgement day has come. Having no preparation, no way of knowing that last evenings dinner would be his last. He may have been one of the many who planned on Saturday not Sunday.
Was he ready? Did he know of his final destination?
You and I have the option right now, this moment, to seek the Lord. To open ourselves to his word and his eternal gift. God is waiting for you, he is reaching his hand to you, take it, grab it and pull yourself into his loving arms. Know when your end comes, your ready.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Painful Pasts and Freeing Forgiveness
I was pondering with my ideas today of what God would want me to write.
It felt clear to me that he expects me to share the past that has hurt me in order to understand why bad things have to happen to ALL people.
At the age of 15, I decided it would be fun to dishonor my parents and sneak out my bedroom window with my 'new' sister. (my father had remarried around this time). My new sister was only a few months older then I was, but she was way cooler then I could have ever been. I pretty much was your basic, middle American kid. Babysat all the time for the neighbors, hung out and played kick the can, went to school, did my homework..all the normal kid things. Until....my new sister.
I do not plan to use names in the blog as it could hurt others, so I will refer to her as D. D sempt to have the world all figured out at 15, she had some pretty cool clothes, cute hair, cute friends, (both male and female) a great boyfriend and most of all..a severe drug and alcohol addiction.
Now to an average girl, this was something I wasn't use to being around, but, it was very intriguing. Everything D did just sempt to be the coolest things I had ever seen.
One day D introduced me to pot, She had asked if I had ever used it before and I said "Yes, many times" truth be told..I had never even seen it before. She then started smoking it and passed it to me. I don't recall much of this time, I do know I was afraid but it was my golden moment to shine..and I did. I ended up being the life of the party, so, I was told.
I was invited to all the parties with D from that day on, I learned and saw things that I didn't even know existed in this crazy world.
So the night I betrayed my parents would be the night that lives in my mind to this day. D and I had asked our parents if we could go out, My parents knew of D's ways and knew better then to let me participate in any activities unsupervised with her. So, as expected the answer was a firm 'NO'.
D and I had planned to make our escape late that night when we knew all in the house were asleep..and like we planned it all went down like we wanted. Out the window we went, running into the dark for what felt like forever, and arriving at the house which held the party of the century.
When I entered the house, I was so filled with the overwhelming feeling of how very cool I was. It wasn't long until people were handing me mixed drinks and telling gross stories and smoking pot. I do not think there was anyone (other then D and myself) under the age of 21. But at the time, it was all good.
I do know I drank 1 drink and I do know it was vodka and orange juice. I remember laughing and that was all I know for sure of, until I woke up.
As I write this I feel as though I am going right back to that place, I can still feel every emotion and smell and sight.
It was hard to wake up, almost like when you come out of surgery and you are being forced to awake and your body isn't ready. I was fighting the feeling to fall back to sleep and slowly becoming aware of my surroundings. What is happening here? Where was I?
As my eyes became unfogged and my head was clearing out, I seen that I was in the back seat of a car, a white car, somehow I seen the color of the exterior. I felt pain alot of pain. I recall looking up at a face, A face of someone I didn't know. someone I hadn't seen before. and this unknown man was raping me.
I can not recall the words, but I do recall the look on his face (a face I could never describe) dark hair that is all I recall of him. The look on his face was anger, I am sure it was anger that I woke up and could possibly go to the police and identify him for what he had done to me.
I do know I repeated "No" to him many times, and each time the look of death was in his eyes.
I knew enough in my drugged out mind to shut up and pretend that I once again was passed out. I fought through the horrible pain and forced my face muscles to act dead as to not give away that I was awake.
I, in my mind. kept thinking of how could I find the strenght to run if he decided to kill me. I had no idea where I was or how to get home, and home is where I wanted to be.
The time sempt to last forever, when the rape had ended I heard him ask me to sit up, I again pretended I was asleep. He got out of the car and I am sure he stood and watched me to see if I would look around. I didn't move. A bit later he got me dressed and I played the part of the rag doll. he started the car and drove.
I heard him get out of the car, open the back door, pull my lifeless body to the ground and drive away. Again I played dead for what felt like hours, slowly I opened my eyes. (one at a time in case he was watching me).
Then to my delight I saw the house. the house that held the man who raped me just hours before. and it was a relief to me. I cant say why it was, he could have been right back in the house. I composed myself and looked for my sister, she was gone by this point. She left me and didn't even look for me.
I don't remember going home, I just really remember being in my bed and D asking me who I hooked up with! I didn't say a word.
The next day I had to act like nothing happened and for the first time in my life YOU are hearing my story in its fullness.
I couldn't tell anyone because I had broke the rules, I had disobeyed my parents and I would have been in alot of trouble at the time, So, I let it go.
Why did God allow this? We live in a sinful world. We are not omitted to have bad things happen just because we are Christians. Satan is alive and well in this world. God will teach us all life lessons with each bad experience. What do I feel I needed to learn from this? Many things: Dishonoring your parents and their judgements for your well being is sinful, nothing good can come of being disobedient. It is a commandment to honor your father and mother, When I chose to break the commandment then I chose to open myself up to consequences. I also learned that People are filled with sin and a sinful nature, as am I. The man who raped me was really no better then the man who put the drugs in my drink or the girl who choose to sneak out the window and go to a place that I had no business being. I learned that some sins with bring with them earthly pain, both mentally and physically. I think back to that man and wonder how is he coping with the sin? does he think about me and what he has done? is he heart fully sorry and cant tell me? very possible. I do know however that I have forgiven this man. I had to forgive him. God says to forgive one another or I can not forgive you. It is not an option to forgive, but a gift to forgive. I know If I knew who this man was, I would fully have the confidence to approach him with open arms, I would tell him I forgive him and tell him of Gods love for him. I have often thought if I knew who he was I would be honored to take his hand and walk along the river and talk to him, love on him, and tell my brother I have forgiven you a hundred times over.
All of us have bad things that have happened in our lives, some more severe than others, but painful just the same. Nothing can take away the memories of the dark hours, but SOMEBODY can take away the anger and hurt. That is our lord Jesus Christ. He knows the hurt you feel.
God wants you to come to him, cry to him, give it to him, let him heal you, allow yourself to forgive and walk in peace all the days of your life.
It felt clear to me that he expects me to share the past that has hurt me in order to understand why bad things have to happen to ALL people.
At the age of 15, I decided it would be fun to dishonor my parents and sneak out my bedroom window with my 'new' sister. (my father had remarried around this time). My new sister was only a few months older then I was, but she was way cooler then I could have ever been. I pretty much was your basic, middle American kid. Babysat all the time for the neighbors, hung out and played kick the can, went to school, did my homework..all the normal kid things. Until....my new sister.
I do not plan to use names in the blog as it could hurt others, so I will refer to her as D. D sempt to have the world all figured out at 15, she had some pretty cool clothes, cute hair, cute friends, (both male and female) a great boyfriend and most of all..a severe drug and alcohol addiction.
Now to an average girl, this was something I wasn't use to being around, but, it was very intriguing. Everything D did just sempt to be the coolest things I had ever seen.
One day D introduced me to pot, She had asked if I had ever used it before and I said "Yes, many times" truth be told..I had never even seen it before. She then started smoking it and passed it to me. I don't recall much of this time, I do know I was afraid but it was my golden moment to shine..and I did. I ended up being the life of the party, so, I was told.
I was invited to all the parties with D from that day on, I learned and saw things that I didn't even know existed in this crazy world.
So the night I betrayed my parents would be the night that lives in my mind to this day. D and I had asked our parents if we could go out, My parents knew of D's ways and knew better then to let me participate in any activities unsupervised with her. So, as expected the answer was a firm 'NO'.
D and I had planned to make our escape late that night when we knew all in the house were asleep..and like we planned it all went down like we wanted. Out the window we went, running into the dark for what felt like forever, and arriving at the house which held the party of the century.
When I entered the house, I was so filled with the overwhelming feeling of how very cool I was. It wasn't long until people were handing me mixed drinks and telling gross stories and smoking pot. I do not think there was anyone (other then D and myself) under the age of 21. But at the time, it was all good.
I do know I drank 1 drink and I do know it was vodka and orange juice. I remember laughing and that was all I know for sure of, until I woke up.
As I write this I feel as though I am going right back to that place, I can still feel every emotion and smell and sight.
It was hard to wake up, almost like when you come out of surgery and you are being forced to awake and your body isn't ready. I was fighting the feeling to fall back to sleep and slowly becoming aware of my surroundings. What is happening here? Where was I?
As my eyes became unfogged and my head was clearing out, I seen that I was in the back seat of a car, a white car, somehow I seen the color of the exterior. I felt pain alot of pain. I recall looking up at a face, A face of someone I didn't know. someone I hadn't seen before. and this unknown man was raping me.
I can not recall the words, but I do recall the look on his face (a face I could never describe) dark hair that is all I recall of him. The look on his face was anger, I am sure it was anger that I woke up and could possibly go to the police and identify him for what he had done to me.
I do know I repeated "No" to him many times, and each time the look of death was in his eyes.
I knew enough in my drugged out mind to shut up and pretend that I once again was passed out. I fought through the horrible pain and forced my face muscles to act dead as to not give away that I was awake.
I, in my mind. kept thinking of how could I find the strenght to run if he decided to kill me. I had no idea where I was or how to get home, and home is where I wanted to be.
The time sempt to last forever, when the rape had ended I heard him ask me to sit up, I again pretended I was asleep. He got out of the car and I am sure he stood and watched me to see if I would look around. I didn't move. A bit later he got me dressed and I played the part of the rag doll. he started the car and drove.
I heard him get out of the car, open the back door, pull my lifeless body to the ground and drive away. Again I played dead for what felt like hours, slowly I opened my eyes. (one at a time in case he was watching me).
Then to my delight I saw the house. the house that held the man who raped me just hours before. and it was a relief to me. I cant say why it was, he could have been right back in the house. I composed myself and looked for my sister, she was gone by this point. She left me and didn't even look for me.
I don't remember going home, I just really remember being in my bed and D asking me who I hooked up with! I didn't say a word.
The next day I had to act like nothing happened and for the first time in my life YOU are hearing my story in its fullness.
I couldn't tell anyone because I had broke the rules, I had disobeyed my parents and I would have been in alot of trouble at the time, So, I let it go.
Why did God allow this? We live in a sinful world. We are not omitted to have bad things happen just because we are Christians. Satan is alive and well in this world. God will teach us all life lessons with each bad experience. What do I feel I needed to learn from this? Many things: Dishonoring your parents and their judgements for your well being is sinful, nothing good can come of being disobedient. It is a commandment to honor your father and mother, When I chose to break the commandment then I chose to open myself up to consequences. I also learned that People are filled with sin and a sinful nature, as am I. The man who raped me was really no better then the man who put the drugs in my drink or the girl who choose to sneak out the window and go to a place that I had no business being. I learned that some sins with bring with them earthly pain, both mentally and physically. I think back to that man and wonder how is he coping with the sin? does he think about me and what he has done? is he heart fully sorry and cant tell me? very possible. I do know however that I have forgiven this man. I had to forgive him. God says to forgive one another or I can not forgive you. It is not an option to forgive, but a gift to forgive. I know If I knew who this man was, I would fully have the confidence to approach him with open arms, I would tell him I forgive him and tell him of Gods love for him. I have often thought if I knew who he was I would be honored to take his hand and walk along the river and talk to him, love on him, and tell my brother I have forgiven you a hundred times over.
All of us have bad things that have happened in our lives, some more severe than others, but painful just the same. Nothing can take away the memories of the dark hours, but SOMEBODY can take away the anger and hurt. That is our lord Jesus Christ. He knows the hurt you feel.
God wants you to come to him, cry to him, give it to him, let him heal you, allow yourself to forgive and walk in peace all the days of your life.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lord I love #2 The way you want
Being a mother is a joy! I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child.
Getting fat was wonderful! feeling each bump was great, nothing bad, all a joy. Then LABOR..yah...that was not fun. but the end result was great. Then I did it again...and again...and again...and so on and so on!
After all was said and done, I was a mother to 5 growing children, many many sleepless nights. And to this day I have not been able to figure out why they all puked in the night, Or why ear aches came at night..what was up with that?!
As my kids grew I found myself a mother again but this time the child was preborn..no labor! So, now a mom of 6, some in college, some married, some in school, some working...no matter what they are doing in life,I am still the mom, and I love them all.
God knew who he would send to us to raise. he knew the 6 that would love me and call me mom. He knew the 6 that I would love and call them my babies.
Yesterday I was speaking to child number 2, She is a precious child and a loving girl. Although she is one who needs to know mommy loves her deeply. Some of my kids are fine with the 'I LOVE YOU' that I tell them many times a day, but number 2,,well she is a bit different, she is the one who needs to speak to me 3 - 4 times a day, nothing to say but 'hello' and I love you. She is my child that one hug isnt enough, If I could sit with her she is the one that would climb on my lap to be held, she is a child that God has gifted her with a natural love for her mama. I know that if anything in this crazy world happened to me..Number 2 will be there for me and protect me. (the others would also be there, but #2 will take charge)!!
God gave this natural love for us mothers and we love them all, yet, we hold a different understanding for what the children need from us. Just like God understands you and me. he knows how we need to feel his love and gives us all different things in life to show us.
God commands us to not be jealous, He isnt saying that because he doesnt want you to like your friends clothes better then yours, God knew the other persons needs and desires, though you may also desire the things others have..will it really fufill you? God only wants to love on YOU for what YOU require and it is much deeper then worldly things. Rejoice for the things God have blessed others with..and you will be rewarded in the plans in which he has for you.
So, watch your kids and see what they are needing from you and go with that. each person has their own love signals.
#2....I LOVE YOU
Getting fat was wonderful! feeling each bump was great, nothing bad, all a joy. Then LABOR..yah...that was not fun. but the end result was great. Then I did it again...and again...and again...and so on and so on!
After all was said and done, I was a mother to 5 growing children, many many sleepless nights. And to this day I have not been able to figure out why they all puked in the night, Or why ear aches came at night..what was up with that?!
As my kids grew I found myself a mother again but this time the child was preborn..no labor! So, now a mom of 6, some in college, some married, some in school, some working...no matter what they are doing in life,I am still the mom, and I love them all.
God knew who he would send to us to raise. he knew the 6 that would love me and call me mom. He knew the 6 that I would love and call them my babies.
Yesterday I was speaking to child number 2, She is a precious child and a loving girl. Although she is one who needs to know mommy loves her deeply. Some of my kids are fine with the 'I LOVE YOU' that I tell them many times a day, but number 2,,well she is a bit different, she is the one who needs to speak to me 3 - 4 times a day, nothing to say but 'hello' and I love you. She is my child that one hug isnt enough, If I could sit with her she is the one that would climb on my lap to be held, she is a child that God has gifted her with a natural love for her mama. I know that if anything in this crazy world happened to me..Number 2 will be there for me and protect me. (the others would also be there, but #2 will take charge)!!
God gave this natural love for us mothers and we love them all, yet, we hold a different understanding for what the children need from us. Just like God understands you and me. he knows how we need to feel his love and gives us all different things in life to show us.
God commands us to not be jealous, He isnt saying that because he doesnt want you to like your friends clothes better then yours, God knew the other persons needs and desires, though you may also desire the things others have..will it really fufill you? God only wants to love on YOU for what YOU require and it is much deeper then worldly things. Rejoice for the things God have blessed others with..and you will be rewarded in the plans in which he has for you.
So, watch your kids and see what they are needing from you and go with that. each person has their own love signals.
#2....I LOVE YOU
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