A Hostile Relationship

Are you living in a relationship that is based on a 'love/hate' theme?
In the beginning of my marriage, My husband and I were so crazy in love that each and every thing he did was just so cute! Leaving his clothes on the floor was just a 'silly' thing he did... leaving dishes on the counter and not putting them in the sink was just so funny! Sleeping during a TV show we were watching together just meant he was so tired out. Nothing to argue about.
Soon, I noticed that he was leaving his clothes on the floor and expecting me to pick them up and toss them in the hamper that was 1 foot away, then the dishes sitting on the counter meant he was just plain lazy, and to fall asleep while watching a show with me?? terrible.
My sweet demeanor turned into a wild animal! Each time these once cute habits occurred, I found myself turning into a raging lunatic.
As time went on, My husband and I found ourselves spending more time bickering back and forth then speaking. As more time went on, we found ourselves yelling far more then talking.
My emotional state become enraged. I found that I was looking for things to be angry over, I found that I spent my day angry and bitter. He wasn't pulling his household weight and I felt I was doing it all.... 'normal feelings' I was told over and over by so many people.
Our once happy marriage turned into a 'whos who' in the power circle. He was sure he was the one who would control all the situations and I was sure I was the controller. instead we were both clawing in the dirt and the hole was going nowhere.
Our anger out ruled our love. It once felt so good to love my husband, now it was a far better feeling to be mad and to borderline hate him.
Our yelling matches became so out of control that hurting one another was just the name of the game, who could say the meaner thing? Who could destroy the other first.
It was almost a great feeling to blow up day in and day out, go days without speaking and then decide we didn't want to fight, make up, then start again. It just felt like it was never going to end and maybe this was 'us' for the rest of our lives.
After many separations, we kept being drawn back together to 'try' to make it work. then the relationship felt new again and fun. for a short time.
It was as though we lived for each other, lived to egg one another on. It was so hurtful yet pleasurable at the same time.
Last year we separated for what was the final time. We had both had enough, Hate was just to hard.
I moved into a new home and planned my new life with my son. It was hard and fun at the same time.
Most of the separation was pretty unemotional for me. I didn't care to see my husband again and on the times I did, I hated it. He was not the man I married but he WAS the man I was divorcing.
I found a lawyer and began the process of ending this joke of a marriage. We have been married 15 years and I can honestly say 1 year combined, was all I was happy.
The divorce was to take 6 months to 1 year. I was fine with the time line, as long as I was not in the home with him, I could handle the timeline.
About 1 month before the papers were to arrive to me, I found myself second guessing my decision. I fought with my self over and over, was I as just afraid or if I was really thinking I was to stay married?  I am a strong believer in Jesus and his word, yet I felt I was able to proceed with the divorce that God gave me complete freedom to go forward with.
When these feelings of doubt started to settle into me, I thought it had to be Satan, as he doesn't want me happy and I was very happy alone. I started to pray harder then normal, asking God if it was him or Satan speaking to me. I asked God to make things very clear to me if it was indeed him.
I went to a bible study one morning and the leader had made comments to the group how close she was to divorce and God healed the marriage...hummm.  Then a fellow christian asked me how it was going and that God had told her to tell me to' hold on to what ever it was that I was fighting'. Now know this..with each word I was hearing I was going to God..asking "Are you talking to me?  If you are make something else be said".
Sunday morning in Church my pastor did a sermon on relationships and commitment. I cried, then I went to the car and said "O.k. God, if your talking to me, do it again"
I got a email from a friend telling me to think twice. So, I went to God and said 'Ok I need to know if this is really you, because, I don't want my husband, and if he is who you want me with- give me another sign". I asked God if you 'DO NOT' want me to  divorce, then give me the sign that I need. send me the divorce papers on a day that I am questioning my plan to divorce him on a day that I know you are sending me messages to stay married.
I went to bible study on Wend. morning and the feeling of peace was completely over me. I wanted to call my husband just to say 'hi'and that I was thinking I was making a mistake. I went home to call him and there in my mail box were the papers.
I went in the house and read them and I heard a voice as clear as my own speaking out loud and it said 'SIGN IT, DATE IT, AND FRAME IT'. Not understanding what I was hearing, I signed them and dated them. I then put them away, just to be sure I was hearing God!!
Soon he and I began counseling and agreed to follow Gods word on marriage, We went to a weekend to remember and I got to know my husband again.
I now stand in a place of peace and joy. My husband is the man I fell in love with 15 years ago. God took what I thought was garbage and made it into a flower. I never felt I could love this man, not at any level. Now I know I can and will love him for always. God is the first person in our relationship and nothing can come between us. It was never about how can I make him the man I want. it was to be about how can God make me the woman he wants. I am sad that we lost so many years, so much anger, so much hate.
yet I rejoice that he allowed me to seek him first and allow him to take us to the place he wanted us to be.
I can say with my whole heart that I LOVE MY HUSBAND and no matter what had gone wrong over the years my heart is full of forgiveness and love for this wonderful man.