Many children are facing the world growing curse of divorce.
I am a child of divorce and know that the feelings can be very confusing to a child. They see the people they love and trust the most in the world 'unloving' one another. How can this be possible? How can the parents whom they love more than anything in this world, not love one another? They think, Maybe I should do something to make them love each other again, or what can I 'not' do again, so they love one another again. It is a totally normal process that they will go through.
Divorce is a very emotional time and such a roller coaster ride for all involved. Even as the parent, you second guess yourself at times.
Many couples decide at certain time that it is inevitable, a divorce will be taking place. Some do it right away, some separate for a time to be sure, and yet a handful will make it until the children are out of high school and then go their own way. (As though the pain will not effect the child at 18).
I was married in 1983. I found myself pregnant and felt that the marriage must take place. I was hopeful that He and I would make it..yet..I knew deep down that it would probably not last, but I was going to give it a go and see what happened.
We struggled, like so many with finances. He made a generous amount of money, but, we were two young kids who didn't know or even care about the value of a dollar. We enjoyed the money and the credit we had! We had nothing to show for it, but we did have fun with it!!
One day, I went to the mail box and in it as the greatest thing I had ever seen... a VISA card, with a THOUSAND dollar limit... what a blessing (NOT)!
I remember my first purchase like it was yesterday. There was an infomercial on a country western singer and his greatest hits...oh I had to buy that for my husband..I waited and waited and then one day..there it was! I so proudly gave it to my husband and he just smiled and said "who is he"? So, I can only assume I sold it in a garage sale!
That card was the beginning to our end. We felt so empowered, we could shop, spend and have a great time. and we did.
Then the bill came. we owed $1,000.00. plus interest. well that sucked.
I think I paid the minimum due for awhile and never seen that I could start to shop on it again. so I got bored and stopped paying it, I believe, I felt they were ripping me off! From then on..we were broke.
Money came between us on a daily basis. I wanted more.. he wanted more and we both had none.
In this time, we decided to have another child!! Soon we had 2 daughters and nothing to feed them. Our home was going to go back to the bank. I was paying people to babysit so I could work cross shifts as my husband. The kids would have a babysitter for 2 hours a day, but that wasn't free either.
There was a point that I found I was having to steal food from a neighbor to feed my girls. YET, we had a boat, toys and a nice T.V.
I never thought of maybe selling my items to survive, just figured we were in a hole that we could never crawl out of.
When winter came along our life would be much harder. Back in the 80's there was not a program where there were heat laws. If you didn't pay your heat bill.. you simply had no heat. Many, Many times I would feel my husband place our children in bed with me before he would go to work, he would tell me to cuddle up with them as there was no heat in the house.
If any of you know anything of Minnesota..you know winters are very cold. This cold was worst due to our home was a 30 year old mobile home.
There were many times the water would be turned off along with the heat. So, I would pack up the kids and go to a family members house or friends house until my husband could figure out how to get the home up and running again.. And somehow he always did. only to have it start again in the next week or so.
As you can well imagine the fighting soon began. Now, I do not blame him for all of the mess, I was just as much responsible.
I felt that this was going to go nowhere and that WE were not going to go nowhere. So, I went out alot to run away from the stress-only to welcome far more stress!
I began to see my husband as a lesser man, and other men sempt to me the key to my survival. I then entered into a world that was new to me and I was liking it. Drinking and other men. life was finally becoming good. I finally found my place in the world and I belonged.
My life took a downhill spiral from then. what had I done? I can tell you what I had done. I allowed Satan to take my life and run with it.
Was I having fun? you better believe it. Satan will make any and all sin look fun and be fun, for a very short time, then the hate of him comes through and he allows you to suffer in ways you never thought possible. I destroyed my marriage, my relationships with my in laws, my children's, mine and their father relationships were damaged, My 'friends' turned against me, I turned against me. I was entering the pit of hell and I didn't know what to do.
This story goes on and on, but, I was trying to understand why I chose to take my marriage and destroy it. They only thing I could say was 'I love you, but, I am not in love with you'.
Again, the point needs to be made that WE both did many things in the union that destroyed it. I can only speak for myself and the things that bent me.
I did not take my vows serious, I really can not even tell you what I did vow, I was too concerned how I looked that day or if the flowers were all in place and all the other things brides want to be perfect, things, I wanted my 'things' to be perfect that day, not my vows, not my 'forever' mate, just things.
Satan knew this and knew he could have our relationship.
I made choices to destroy my life and my children's family life. I made the choice to allow Satan to control me, Yet, at the time I had no clue what he was doing.
Well, as you know, we did divorce and our lives moved on. I am married now to my second husband, we raised my girls and 4 other kids and now have grand kids.
Satan NO longer has control of my life, do things go wrong in our marriage? yep. But I allow God to take control.
When and if you are going through a time that you feel divorce is the only way out, look deep. Is it something that you can see Satan in? (other then for your or your child's safety) Can you pull yourself out of a situation you may be in and see if it is of God?
I never felt I would be married and WANT to have a husband, I never felt that I would ever stayed married, and though many rocky times have come, I listened to God, took to his word. Read the bible, went to classes, allowed God to head my marriage. Allowed my self to be forgiven and to love again.
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