I was pondering with my ideas today of what God would want me to write.
It felt clear to me that he expects me to share the past that has hurt me in order to understand why bad things have to happen to ALL people.
At the age of 15, I decided it would be fun to dishonor my parents and sneak out my bedroom window with my 'new' sister. (my father had remarried around this time). My new sister was only a few months older then I was, but she was way cooler then I could have ever been. I pretty much was your basic, middle American kid. Babysat all the time for the neighbors, hung out and played kick the can, went to school, did my homework..all the normal kid things. Until....my new sister.
I do not plan to use names in the blog as it could hurt others, so I will refer to her as D. D sempt to have the world all figured out at 15, she had some pretty cool clothes, cute hair, cute friends, (both male and female) a great boyfriend and most of all..a severe drug and alcohol addiction.
Now to an average girl, this was something I wasn't use to being around, but, it was very intriguing. Everything D did just sempt to be the coolest things I had ever seen.
One day D introduced me to pot, She had asked if I had ever used it before and I said "Yes, many times" truth be told..I had never even seen it before. She then started smoking it and passed it to me. I don't recall much of this time, I do know I was afraid but it was my golden moment to shine..and I did. I ended up being the life of the party, so, I was told.
I was invited to all the parties with D from that day on, I learned and saw things that I didn't even know existed in this crazy world.
So the night I betrayed my parents would be the night that lives in my mind to this day. D and I had asked our parents if we could go out, My parents knew of D's ways and knew better then to let me participate in any activities unsupervised with her. So, as expected the answer was a firm 'NO'.
D and I had planned to make our escape late that night when we knew all in the house were asleep..and like we planned it all went down like we wanted. Out the window we went, running into the dark for what felt like forever, and arriving at the house which held the party of the century.
When I entered the house, I was so filled with the overwhelming feeling of how very cool I was. It wasn't long until people were handing me mixed drinks and telling gross stories and smoking pot. I do not think there was anyone (other then D and myself) under the age of 21. But at the time, it was all good.
I do know I drank 1 drink and I do know it was vodka and orange juice. I remember laughing and that was all I know for sure of, until I woke up.
As I write this I feel as though I am going right back to that place, I can still feel every emotion and smell and sight.
It was hard to wake up, almost like when you come out of surgery and you are being forced to awake and your body isn't ready. I was fighting the feeling to fall back to sleep and slowly becoming aware of my surroundings. What is happening here? Where was I?
As my eyes became unfogged and my head was clearing out, I seen that I was in the back seat of a car, a white car, somehow I seen the color of the exterior. I felt pain alot of pain. I recall looking up at a face, A face of someone I didn't know. someone I hadn't seen before. and this unknown man was raping me.
I can not recall the words, but I do recall the look on his face (a face I could never describe) dark hair that is all I recall of him. The look on his face was anger, I am sure it was anger that I woke up and could possibly go to the police and identify him for what he had done to me.
I do know I repeated "No" to him many times, and each time the look of death was in his eyes.
I knew enough in my drugged out mind to shut up and pretend that I once again was passed out. I fought through the horrible pain and forced my face muscles to act dead as to not give away that I was awake.
I, in my mind. kept thinking of how could I find the strenght to run if he decided to kill me. I had no idea where I was or how to get home, and home is where I wanted to be.
The time sempt to last forever, when the rape had ended I heard him ask me to sit up, I again pretended I was asleep. He got out of the car and I am sure he stood and watched me to see if I would look around. I didn't move. A bit later he got me dressed and I played the part of the rag doll. he started the car and drove.
I heard him get out of the car, open the back door, pull my lifeless body to the ground and drive away. Again I played dead for what felt like hours, slowly I opened my eyes. (one at a time in case he was watching me).
Then to my delight I saw the house. the house that held the man who raped me just hours before. and it was a relief to me. I cant say why it was, he could have been right back in the house. I composed myself and looked for my sister, she was gone by this point. She left me and didn't even look for me.
I don't remember going home, I just really remember being in my bed and D asking me who I hooked up with! I didn't say a word.
The next day I had to act like nothing happened and for the first time in my life YOU are hearing my story in its fullness.
I couldn't tell anyone because I had broke the rules, I had disobeyed my parents and I would have been in alot of trouble at the time, So, I let it go.
Why did God allow this? We live in a sinful world. We are not omitted to have bad things happen just because we are Christians. Satan is alive and well in this world. God will teach us all life lessons with each bad experience. What do I feel I needed to learn from this? Many things: Dishonoring your parents and their judgements for your well being is sinful, nothing good can come of being disobedient. It is a commandment to honor your father and mother, When I chose to break the commandment then I chose to open myself up to consequences. I also learned that People are filled with sin and a sinful nature, as am I. The man who raped me was really no better then the man who put the drugs in my drink or the girl who choose to sneak out the window and go to a place that I had no business being. I learned that some sins with bring with them earthly pain, both mentally and physically. I think back to that man and wonder how is he coping with the sin? does he think about me and what he has done? is he heart fully sorry and cant tell me? very possible. I do know however that I have forgiven this man. I had to forgive him. God says to forgive one another or I can not forgive you. It is not an option to forgive, but a gift to forgive. I know If I knew who this man was, I would fully have the confidence to approach him with open arms, I would tell him I forgive him and tell him of Gods love for him. I have often thought if I knew who he was I would be honored to take his hand and walk along the river and talk to him, love on him, and tell my brother I have forgiven you a hundred times over.
All of us have bad things that have happened in our lives, some more severe than others, but painful just the same. Nothing can take away the memories of the dark hours, but SOMEBODY can take away the anger and hurt. That is our lord Jesus Christ. He knows the hurt you feel.
God wants you to come to him, cry to him, give it to him, let him heal you, allow yourself to forgive and walk in peace all the days of your life.
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